My OB Said What?!--The Bingo Card
Nov. 5th, 2015 09:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
jenny_islanderI used to hang out at a blog for people who had heard absurd, cruel, stupid, and/or scary things from the people who were supposed to be helping them or their loved ones during pregnancy and labor. Most of the really awful stuff came from OBs, hence the name, but midwives, nurses, even radiologists and receptionists might feel free to bust out with this stuff. The blog is gone, but while it was still up I rummaged around in the archives and created some Bingo entries from the most common submissions. Yes, everything here is something that somebody has actually said to a pregnant or laboring person or their partner!
HOW TO PLAY
There are 5 groups of Bingo squares: M, O, B, S, W. Make a 5x5 grid, with the Dead Baby Card as the free space in the middle and M, O, B, S, W at the top. Pick random entries from each group below to put in the 5 columns. Head on over to any place where people talk about their experiences of pregnancy and birth and see how long it takes you to get a straight line in any direction. Then announce that you've got BINGO!
MIGHT BE FUNNY IN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES
1. Already Gave Birth? Must Run Down Labor Checklist Anyway
2. You Can't Be Ready to--Oh, Look, a Baby
3. You Aren't Pregnant Because [Nonsense]
4. Everybody Gets a Pregnancy Test. EVERYBODY.
5. Vaginas Suck Up Poop (The Poop Vacuum)
6. Umbilical Cords Turn Into Blood Siphons After Birth (The Sloshing Baby)
7. Birth Attendant: "Ew, Icky, Messy, Ew"
8. Ignorant of Nursing Basics (Nametag Reads "Lactation Consultant")
9. Can't Tell That Baby Is Upset/Uncomfortable (Handles Babies Every Day)
10. Unbathed Babies Are Biohazards
11. Has Never EVER Seen an Uncut, Unmedicated Mother
12. Wheelchairs Are Magic, You Can't Leave Without One
13. Doesn't Know How Sleep Works
14. All Women Need Interventions Because Evolution (Or Something Like That)
15. Bugs Person in Labor/Transition for Decisions/Signatures
OUTRIGHT HORRIBLE
16. What Is This "Consent" Nonsense?
17. Ha Ha, I Lied & It's Too Late to Fire Me
18. Men's Boners Trump Women's Health & Dignity (The Husband Stitch)
19. Side Effects & Complications Are Just Your New Normal, So Shut Up
20. HDU Fact-Check This Thing I Just Made Up
21. Obey or I Have You Locked Up/Take Your Baby Away
22. Stop Having Emotions, They Annoy Me
23. Obey or I Punish You With Procedures/Drugs
24. I Decide Whether You Are in Pain/Distress
25. Sin/Bad Attitude Caused Your Physical Problem
26. Can't Buffalo Mom? Let's Try Her Partner
27. Fat? No Medical Care for You
28. Your Type Shouldn't Have Children
29. Saying Yes Once = Blanket Consent Forever
30. Sexual Predator
BROKEN, BUSTED, AND ABOUT TO EXPLODE
31. EDD = Extreme Death Date (What's a Midrange?)
32. All Breasts Are Broken
33. All Fat Women Explode and Die
34. All Short Women Get Stuck Babies and Die
35. Over Average Age Primipara = Feeble and Sickly
36. Under Average Age Primipara = Careless and Stupid
37. "Failure to Progress" Caused by Failure to Wait
38. Dead Baby Card (FREE SPACE)
39. Continuous Monitoring or KABOOM!
40. Babies Who Aren't Tiny Are "Too Big"
41. "Failure to Progress" Caused by Failure to Provide Privacy & Simple Comforts
41. On Your Back in Bed or KABOOM!
42. Be Precisely Average in All Ways or KABOOM!
43. Be Terrified of Everything or KABOOM!
44. Pushing Urge--Ha! Push When We Say So or KABOOM!
45. Don't You Dare VBAC or KABOOM!
STUPID-ASSED OR JUST AN ASS?
46. No Clue How PPD and/or PTSD Actually Work
47. In Agony = Drug Seeker
48. A Definite Muscle Wound Beats a Possible Skin Tear (Good at Cutting, Bad at Sewing)
49. I "Helped" You by Overfeeding Your Baby (What's a Lactation-Nursing Cycle?)
50. OMG OMG YOU MUST HAVE A C-SECTION (On Next Available Business Day)
51. You Must Induce Because We Don't Have Staff After X Time
52. All Women With Birth Plans End up in . . . Trouble
53. Can't Stand My Inept Technique = Weakling
54. "At Least You Have a Healthy Baby! :D"
55. Either CP Is Stupid or CP Thinks Mom Is
56. Declining Optional Procedures is Selfish (Why Pay Less?)
57. 38 Weeks Is the New 40
58. "Oh, It's Gonna Get Sooo Much Worse :D"
59. Blurts Awful News, Runs Away
60. Manually Stops Non-Emergent Labor Because Doctor Isn't There
W.T.F.
61. I Can't Do That Because I Never Did It Before
62. Same Client Mix, Drastically Different C-Section Rates
63. Teach That Helpless Baby "Independence"
64. Nursing Is Freaky, Breasts Are for Sex
65. You Don't Know Your Cycle. I Know Your Cycle.
66. Ultrasounds Are Super Magic (The Precise Estimate)
67. Twins Mature More Quickly
68. Women In Labor Should Be Nice and Quiet
69. Body Fat Clogs Vaginas
70. Breast Shape = Milk Production
71. I Decide When You Eat
72. Oh, Sure, You Can Take That (What Physician's Desk Reference? I Don't Know That Book)
73. Breasts Shouldn't Be Substitutes for Pacifiers
74. Can't Recognize Dangerous Bleeding
75. Everything Online Is Bunk (Even My Professional Association's Published Recommendations)
HOW TO PLAY
There are 5 groups of Bingo squares: M, O, B, S, W. Make a 5x5 grid, with the Dead Baby Card as the free space in the middle and M, O, B, S, W at the top. Pick random entries from each group below to put in the 5 columns. Head on over to any place where people talk about their experiences of pregnancy and birth and see how long it takes you to get a straight line in any direction. Then announce that you've got BINGO!
MIGHT BE FUNNY IN THE RIGHT CIRCUMSTANCES
1. Already Gave Birth? Must Run Down Labor Checklist Anyway
2. You Can't Be Ready to--Oh, Look, a Baby
3. You Aren't Pregnant Because [Nonsense]
4. Everybody Gets a Pregnancy Test. EVERYBODY.
5. Vaginas Suck Up Poop (The Poop Vacuum)
6. Umbilical Cords Turn Into Blood Siphons After Birth (The Sloshing Baby)
7. Birth Attendant: "Ew, Icky, Messy, Ew"
8. Ignorant of Nursing Basics (Nametag Reads "Lactation Consultant")
9. Can't Tell That Baby Is Upset/Uncomfortable (Handles Babies Every Day)
10. Unbathed Babies Are Biohazards
11. Has Never EVER Seen an Uncut, Unmedicated Mother
12. Wheelchairs Are Magic, You Can't Leave Without One
13. Doesn't Know How Sleep Works
14. All Women Need Interventions Because Evolution (Or Something Like That)
15. Bugs Person in Labor/Transition for Decisions/Signatures
OUTRIGHT HORRIBLE
16. What Is This "Consent" Nonsense?
17. Ha Ha, I Lied & It's Too Late to Fire Me
18. Men's Boners Trump Women's Health & Dignity (The Husband Stitch)
19. Side Effects & Complications Are Just Your New Normal, So Shut Up
20. HDU Fact-Check This Thing I Just Made Up
21. Obey or I Have You Locked Up/Take Your Baby Away
22. Stop Having Emotions, They Annoy Me
23. Obey or I Punish You With Procedures/Drugs
24. I Decide Whether You Are in Pain/Distress
25. Sin/Bad Attitude Caused Your Physical Problem
26. Can't Buffalo Mom? Let's Try Her Partner
27. Fat? No Medical Care for You
28. Your Type Shouldn't Have Children
29. Saying Yes Once = Blanket Consent Forever
30. Sexual Predator
BROKEN, BUSTED, AND ABOUT TO EXPLODE
31. EDD = Extreme Death Date (What's a Midrange?)
32. All Breasts Are Broken
33. All Fat Women Explode and Die
34. All Short Women Get Stuck Babies and Die
35. Over Average Age Primipara = Feeble and Sickly
36. Under Average Age Primipara = Careless and Stupid
37. "Failure to Progress" Caused by Failure to Wait
38. Dead Baby Card (FREE SPACE)
39. Continuous Monitoring or KABOOM!
40. Babies Who Aren't Tiny Are "Too Big"
41. "Failure to Progress" Caused by Failure to Provide Privacy & Simple Comforts
41. On Your Back in Bed or KABOOM!
42. Be Precisely Average in All Ways or KABOOM!
43. Be Terrified of Everything or KABOOM!
44. Pushing Urge--Ha! Push When We Say So or KABOOM!
45. Don't You Dare VBAC or KABOOM!
STUPID-ASSED OR JUST AN ASS?
46. No Clue How PPD and/or PTSD Actually Work
47. In Agony = Drug Seeker
48. A Definite Muscle Wound Beats a Possible Skin Tear (Good at Cutting, Bad at Sewing)
49. I "Helped" You by Overfeeding Your Baby (What's a Lactation-Nursing Cycle?)
50. OMG OMG YOU MUST HAVE A C-SECTION (On Next Available Business Day)
51. You Must Induce Because We Don't Have Staff After X Time
52. All Women With Birth Plans End up in . . . Trouble
53. Can't Stand My Inept Technique = Weakling
54. "At Least You Have a Healthy Baby! :D"
55. Either CP Is Stupid or CP Thinks Mom Is
56. Declining Optional Procedures is Selfish (Why Pay Less?)
57. 38 Weeks Is the New 40
58. "Oh, It's Gonna Get Sooo Much Worse :D"
59. Blurts Awful News, Runs Away
60. Manually Stops Non-Emergent Labor Because Doctor Isn't There
W.T.F.
61. I Can't Do That Because I Never Did It Before
62. Same Client Mix, Drastically Different C-Section Rates
63. Teach That Helpless Baby "Independence"
64. Nursing Is Freaky, Breasts Are for Sex
65. You Don't Know Your Cycle. I Know Your Cycle.
66. Ultrasounds Are Super Magic (The Precise Estimate)
67. Twins Mature More Quickly
68. Women In Labor Should Be Nice and Quiet
69. Body Fat Clogs Vaginas
70. Breast Shape = Milk Production
71. I Decide When You Eat
72. Oh, Sure, You Can Take That (What Physician's Desk Reference? I Don't Know That Book)
73. Breasts Shouldn't Be Substitutes for Pacifiers
74. Can't Recognize Dangerous Bleeding
75. Everything Online Is Bunk (Even My Professional Association's Published Recommendations)
